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Phoebe 101

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Phoebe…

Ok, this is no fairy tale, though I wish it were. Here are the basic things you need and want to know about me. My blog is about my baby making journey, cooking, gardening, natural living, spirituality, and whatever I feel about blogging about. Phoebe is not my real name, but I think it’s kind of a cool name.

I am now 43. It took a while for me to find Mr. Magic, and we got married two months shy of my 39th birthday. My first RE visit was just before that 39th birthday. I always knew I would need high tech means to get pregnant with Magic, my husband, but I was very naive about what that meant. I thought, yeah, I’ll just do IVF. Little did I know how difficult it would be and how much agony and pain it would bring me.

Magic had a vasectomy 15 years ago after the birth of his second son, thinking he was done with baby making, but saved some of his sperm, just in case. In that 15 years, he was divorced and we were married. A reverse vasectomy now will have little chance of being successful because the amount of time that has lapsed from his original vasectomy directly correlates to the amount of the antibodies that are produced against Magic’s sperm.

My baby making journey, which has so far resulted in no baby, has consisted of:

1 IUI
1 IVF converted to IUI
1 IVF
1 FET

I have had my own reproductive problems myself. I had surgery for uterine fibroids, a half a pound’s worth, before any RE would touch me. Fortunately, changing my lifestyle and getting serious about taking care of myself have kept anymore fibroids away.

High tech fertility treatments are completely against my own personal philosophies, but since it is the only way I can get pregnant, I suck it up. At this point, it feels like a very expensive hobby.

I did get pregnant from IVF #1 redo (IVF #2?) at age 41. I had serious fucked up problems with my pregnancy that was directly related to doing IVF. I know I would not have had these problems if I got pregnant naturally. One of them was that I had severe prenatal depression and anxiety and was not getting treated for it. I did try taking Pro>zac, but I had a paradoxical reaction to it, meaning it made me more anxious instead of calming me down. In retrospect, I should have been on anti-anxiety medication and a different type of anti-depressant, not an SS.RI type anti-depressant. However, because I was so out of it, I didn’t have the energy or will to find the right kind of psychiatrist to treat me, and Magic didn’t know what to do. It’s difficult when your normally in-control-assertive wife suddenly turns into a withering mass of protoplasm. The doctor who did prescribe me the Pro>ac was my RE, and he did not monitor me. Big mistake when treating someone for mental illness, which is why I could not go back to him, and why I eventually changed fertility clinics and moved my frozen embryos. I probably should have been hospitalized, except on the outside, I was functioning. On the inside, I was falling apart. Even after I eventually got better, I have found it extremely difficult to find psychiatrists and psychologists who treat prenatal depression and anxiety, let alone any doctor or health care professional who understands it. Mental health care is seriously fucked flawed in this country, especially for pregnant women.

Unfortunately, my pregnancy had an unhappy ending, and I do not talk about the details of my loss on my public blog. I was traumatized by the whole experience, and the less I have that trauma out there in the world, the better it is for me. I know that my story could probably help someone, but I get nothing from retelling my story except re-traumatization. I worked through a lot of that trauma during my FET.

I love receiving comments and I love the support I get and give by conversing with other bloggers. I do moderate all my comments and will password protect certain posts. If you would like access to my password protected posts, please e-mail me at: phoebephoenixtales@gmail.com

Thanks for joining me on this crazy ride.

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