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I suppose I should say something

November 6, 2010

I know I’ve been gone. It isn’t you. It’s me. Let’s look at the year in review:

First, wasn’t hungry and went on a weight loss regime. Lost 6 pounds. Looked good, but didn’t feel happy.

Went back to eating chocolate for therapy. I pay for it later at the dentist.

Then, ran my first 10k. Think Forrest.Gump running across the country after his mother dies. Took a break afterward the race. Still grieving. Guess I didn’t run enough.

Tried not inhaling, thanks to Mar.i.nol. That’s a pretty good story, actually.

Tried inhaling, thanks to stepson “gifting” me with MM. Wonder why I was so obsessed with it as a teenager. Too potent for me, though it does take my mind off things temporarily.

Then, after days and weeks of coming home after work and vegging in front of the TV, I sign up for a triathlon.

Training for triathlon: still not happy, but at least the exercise keeps me from feeling depressed.

Have an emotional meltdown the night before the triathlon, feeling like a failure.

Complete the triathlon the next day.

Still sad.

Somewhere in there, I deleted most of my google.reader subscriptions. It was too hard for me to read of all the successes, either pregnancies, in many different ways, adoptions, foster care, etc. Seemed like everyone was moving on…except me. Sorry for not being there for you. I wonder if anyone is still reading this?

So where are we at?

Adoption is out. Magic won’t agree to it.

One family member did kinda sorta agree to be an egg donor. That’s an interesting story too. I guess I was hoping the whole family thing would be really kumbya, but it wasn’t . The waiting for an answer was excruciating. One family member hasn’t responded since I asked her. I can’t even say where she is at, other than perhaps she is still too young to process it. Grateful for the new connection I have established with my one niece, who was very thoughtful about the whole thing.

A year will have gone by.  I think I am over my genes, but don’t know if we’ll ever be able to afford donor eggs. Still paying for last year’s failure IVF. I know that we won’t be doing donor eggs any time soon. I wish it would be sooner, but having to wait maybe another year or more? Being patient is hard when you feel sad about not having a family.

I’m not sure what to do with this blog. I’ve been incredibly busy these last few months with the garden and whatnot, but the garden work is winding down and I find myself not able to let go of my losses. The only way seems to surrender to the sadness, but that is getting so old.  Anyway, just thought I should say something, instead of just leaving y’all hangin’. Let me know if you have any ideas or want to hear more than the cliff.notes version of the last year, if there still is anyone out there.

15 Comments leave one →
  1. November 7, 2010 4:32 am

    Hi, Have you thought about donor embryo? This is my next step. My clinic gave me 5 to choose from and am just waiting for this blighted ovum to leave my system and then I am marching forward. You probably have thought about it – its so much cheaper than IVF and DE. I cannot afford to try IVF with my own eggs – obviously they are not working so it would be pointless, wasted money.

    Take care. Dee

  2. November 7, 2010 9:14 am

    It’s me duck. As I was running yesterday you popped into my head, a desire to know that your still out there, so I stopped by your blog to see if I missed a post. I’m glad that you wrote a post and I always want more then cliff notes, but that’s just me.

    Ps training for my own 10k next may, yes I need 6 months to train.


  3. November 7, 2010 1:15 pm

    So nice to hear from you, Phoebe…good for you for keeping your heart and soul occupied with healthy endeavours like exercise and gardening. I’m sorry to hear there’s been some rough road, though – I wish there was something I could say to make it better, to make it easier. As far as what to write on this blog – I hope it is more for you than for us, and that you will write what you need to in order to process the grief and the frustration at having to wait before the next step, whether it’s donor egg or whatever it looks like. Thinking of you often and sending you lots of love.

  4. November 7, 2010 4:23 pm

    Hey, there. I’m here, reading. And cheering you for some major accomplishments! Proud of you, even if the marathon and triathlon didn’t bring you happiness.

    I’m so sorry Magic nixed one of your options.

    I’d like to read that good story, and any others you have. I’ve missed you 🙂

  5. November 7, 2010 5:10 pm

    I’m still here.
    I’m glad you’re writing–I agree with MadHatter–you should write here whatever helps you or whatever feels good to write.
    I’m super impressed with your triathalon–would love to know more about it and see some pics. I’m also a big fan of chocolate (what??? you hadn’t heard??? 🙂 ) so do tell me your indulgences 🙂 Ha.
    If I had a million dollars I’d send you the money STAT to do donor eggs if that’s what you want. Or to take a wonderful vacation. Or whatever.
    Sending you virtual hugs.

  6. Denver Laura permalink
    November 8, 2010 8:20 am

    Still here and still reading! I was so moved by your running story that I’m working my way to a 5K in the Spring. The last time I trained for a 5K I qualified for the “Clydesdale” division. Talk about demotivation!

    I’ve had to reorganize my reader as well. I read the blogs to gain support and had to take out those posts that weren’t meeting those needs. If you feel this blog helps you clarify things keep it. If it hurts you more than helps you, dump it. I personally will miss reading but I’ll get over it 🙂

  7. niobe permalink
    November 8, 2010 9:03 am

    I don’t normally do this, but since you did ask for ideas and if money is the main sticking point, I’m going to second Dee on the donor embryo thought.

    But just ignore the above if you’re not interested in suggestions. As you know, I’ve always felt a special, I dunno, kinship with you and am thrilled to see a post.

  8. November 8, 2010 11:10 pm

    Hey you! I’m always glad to read your words! I can understand the feelings of not sure what to blog about, but this is YOUR blog! You should write what you want to write, but that’s just my opinion.

    Sending you lots of love!

  9. November 9, 2010 1:54 pm

    I’m still here too. Cheering you on.

    Both of your races sound challenging. I’ve run a 10K, but haven’t stepped up to a tri. My good friend would LOVE it if I did. I’ll keep you posted.

    Keep writing. It’s good to hear from you.

  10. Sky permalink
    November 9, 2010 6:21 pm

    So good to hear from you. I figured you were taking time, thinking, vegging, exercising 🙂

    I actually second the donor embryo idea. Better still, you were with an amazing clinic that has very high success rates.

    If you’re over your genes and Magic is open to it….donor embryo is an excellent option. That could be your spirit baby right there, frozen in suspension, waiting for your oven.

  11. geeksinrome permalink
    November 12, 2010 6:21 am

    wish i could send a magic (!!) potion to make it all better. how to fill that empty void??? I don’t know: all I know is people try to fill voids with drugs, alcohol, obsessive compulsive activities like shopping, spending…. The void is never filled.

    But I know many forms of spirituality can help stop the cycle of wanting which creates emptiness. I don’t have anything to recommend now, but years ago when I had a major crisis, I read Krishnamurti’s stuff and just re-read it for months and eventually something clicked and I got over the massive depression I had fallen into.

    If only depression were something simple where all you needed was one of us to pull you out, and we would in a sec!! But it’s a long hard road, grieving and uncertainty… the road will branch off to something good someday!!

  12. November 12, 2010 3:05 pm

    My husband said no adoption, too. He just felt that the process was too invasive – he’s such a private person. I’m pretty sure I could have talked him into donor embryo, though, because it’s less scrutinizing and also allows that slower acceptance period (pregnancy) that I think he needs for almost any big life change. All of the new epigenetic research is also fascinating as it applies to donor gametes – I think it could be an influencing factor for somebody who was on the fence about the whole idea.

    Post when you feel like it, and know that I will be happy to see you pop up in my reader.

  13. November 14, 2010 9:34 pm

    Yeah, I have a “no adoption” kinda guy too. I hope you are able to find a way to make things work – the donor embryo is one cheaper option.

    My mentor (2 time successful DE friend) actually advertised for an egg donor on craig$list! She is completely out there about using donor egg, and asked everyone – this may not be an option for you. But she met a wonderful donor and they only paid for her medical expenses. They had an open relationship – very different from our situation (we used a clinic donor). You can check our her story at
    Best of luck whatever you decide.

  14. November 16, 2010 8:17 am

    I’m sorry.. And I am still here reading and I think of you often!

  15. liketobeelliej, Ireland permalink
    November 21, 2010 12:44 pm

    Hi Phoebe I think of you often. You’ve been through so much. My husband won’t do adoption either which I would do myself in a heartbeat. It’s hard. Poetry helps for me to some extent and exercise. Good on you to have so much get up and go. It sounds to me that you are living the fullest life that you can at the moment and I so admire you for that. As I type these words I feel that you are so on the path to motherhood; I really hope that you come across the clearing in your path soon. Please know that you have so much support out there, with us cheering you on from the sidelines Love elliej xxx

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