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I Knew This Day Was Coming

July 7, 2010

I haven’t seen a regular doctor since my last IVF failed, but one of my ticking genetic time bombs finally exploded, and I need to take care of something. I’ve been watching this vein in my leg, just waiting for it to pop. Well, it never really popped, but it started to really hurt after I would run. You see, I have varicose veins and it’s genetic. There isn’t anything I can do about it.

This made me feel old, dealing with my varicose veins. Until I found out my dad had his stripped at age 27! My sister had her’s done too, after her 4th pregnancy in her late 30s. I thought they would just be ugly. I didn’t realize that they would actually hurt. Pain is my motivation, so I started doctor shopping. I had an appointment yesterday with a new doctor. I felt excited that I was going to finally deal with this painful thing, but while I was driving down, I was starting to panic. I started to have the same feelings of anxiety/depression of being out of control that I had during IVF. When I got to the doctor’s office, the waiting room was crowded at 4:00pm, not a good sign. There were unhealthy, old people in the waiting room. After 15 minutes, I was asked if I wanted to reschedule because it was going to be “awhile”. There were three other people ahead of me. I thought I would wait since I had driven an hour to get to this doctor. As I sat there, I felt more and more uneasy. After another 25 minutes, no other patient had been seen since I had gotten there 40 minutes ago. At one point, the doctor came out and was socializing with one of the patients. I thought, if he was so busy, why wasn’t he working with his patients? I was getting more and more freaked out, having flashbacks like I was waiting for my RE, so I finally just announced, “I’m leaving.” No one asked if I wanted to reschedule, thankfully. I left and had to take a walk to let my emotions out and calm down. I was feeling like I did when I was pregnant and felt like no doctor really cared about me or what I was going through.

Today, I tried to make an appointment with another doctor who specializes in varicose veins. When they gave me their address, I though it sounded eerily familiar. I had to confirm where I had heard of this address before. This doctor’s office is right next to my old fertility clinic’s office. I don’t think I can go see the new doctor knowing I have to walk by my old fertility clinic that brought me so many unhappy memories. The stress just isn’t worth it.

Will I ever be able to live a normal life again, where my IF past doesn’t haunt me every step of the way? Will I ever go through a day not replaying all the past scenarios in my head over and over and over again about what happened during and after my IVF cycles? Will I ever be happy just being me and not waiting for a child to make me happy? Because it just doesn’t feel like I’ll ever have any peace or resolution around this.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. July 7, 2010 9:12 pm

    I have had two surgeries for varicose veins…stripping (where I was completely under anesthesia) and another approach where my leg was numbed and I was awake (didn’t feel a thing).

    Both surgeries were a lot less painful than I thought and the recovery was pretty easy.

    I wish you the best of luck in finding the best doc and procedure for you.

  2. July 8, 2010 2:32 am

    I’m so sorry that you had that reaction to the doctor’s office. IF is traumatic and it takes time to deal with these things. Hopefully, your next trip to a doctor’s office will be much more successful.

  3. July 8, 2010 8:53 am

    Ugh that sounds a like a terribly run practice–good for you for walking out and not rescheduling. It would likely be like that any day you went, any time of day.

    I totally hear you on the bad memories. I freakin’ WORK in the building where I did IVFs 1, 2, and 3, and my office is literally on top of the IVF lab. Riding up in the elevator with the embryologist and nurses–it is so eery. I’m in my lab coat, all professional, but I want to cry like a baby and say “why didn’t you guys fix me??” Usually I just put my head down and go.

    At any rate, I hope you find a good doctor who can take care of that painful issue. I think I will be destined for them too, looking at my Mom and all her sisters, and my own sister.

  4. Sky permalink
    July 8, 2010 11:26 am

    Yes, you will find peace and happiness and the triggers will go away. Unfortunately, unless we close the door to children or have one, it will loom because, I believe, somewhere deep down, our brain says “So?! WTF is going on here, where are we on this?” It’s not until there’s a new reality for our brain (we’re going to live a fabulous, no commitment, childfree existence or we have our little bundle from adoption/IVF/fostering/whatever) that we’re rewired – a new reality for our brains/lives.

    It made me so angry to spend 3 years in a state of limbo – feeling like I couldn’t buy a new house, a new car, move to a new town, change my job – nothing, until I KNEW if a child would be a part of my future. Because choices and aspects of all of those things would be different if I had a baby or if I didn’t.

    It sucks to be in that place. Time, time and more time just passes, the mental anguish doesn’t let up and life seems to hang in the balance.

    I wish clarity and peace for you – in whatever path you decide. You have a great life with a pretty wonderful husband – it’s a win-win, with or without another person added to it.

  5. thecanadianduck permalink
    July 8, 2010 12:07 pm

    just sending some love your way. if is scarring, and i have no idea if it ever heals – but i hope the pain eventually fades. hugs

  6. July 9, 2010 10:48 pm

    I’m so sorry the situations with both of those doctors triggered IVF memories/stress/pain. And that you’re dealing with varicose veins on top of it all. I wish I had the magic answer to finding peace and serenity in the midst of infertility – if I did, I promise I’d share it with you. Hugs.

  7. Denver Laura permalink
    July 13, 2010 8:03 am

    Yeah, I had some issues travelling down I-25 past Lincoln for a while. I worked in that part of town so it made it worse having to see it often. I’m sorry to hear about the varicose. I didn’t know they hurt. My mom has them and I’m just waiting my turn. I’ve gotten everything else she has so it’s only a matter of time. Maybe set a new goal? Like get it over with and get a fab pair of shoes/outfit to show off? At least this time you’re in control. There are numerous doctors who can do this surgery, you’re not limited to just 2 clinics in town. You also can do it on your own schedule. You’re not waiting for somebody to tell you when the “right time” is to have it done. I hate it when doctors are late when I set an appointment. Too bad we don’t get $ when they are 15 minutes behind.

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