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T-Minus 10k: Help!

May 30, 2010

In less than 24 hours, I’ll be running my first 10k. But don’t worry, I won’t be alone. I’ll be running with 54,000 of my best friends. It’s a big deal here in Woo-woo-ville. It’s the second largest race of it’s kind in the country and voted the best race of it’s kind by a well known running mag that shall remain nameless. I figure it’s a right-of-passage for living here. Of the four offices that surround me at work, three of them will be in the race, either running or walking. Hey, race talk is better than baby buzz talk at the office any day!! I ran 5 of the 6.2 miles on Friday, and dang, was I sore afterward!! Running on pavement sucks. Plus, it’s a lot of uphill. Ok, the total elevation gain is only about 100 feet, but when you are already at over a mile high, it’s no trivial feat. Plus, you have to run a steep uphill right at the end of the race, but at least you are running into a large football stadium with crowds cheering you on. Bear will be running it with me. He has the ability to smoke me, but not the endurance. I think I can run the whole thing. I know he will be walking part of it, but he could still smoke me. We’ll see if his pride will let me beat him.

I started running after my failed IVF in December, mostly because I wanted to get in shape for skate skiing (also called nordic skiing in the Olympics). Then, running became a way for me to work out my IF anger and frustrations. At some point, I decided to have a goal to work for, and this 10k was it. My goal is to finish under 1 hour, 15 minutes. That would be a 12 minute mile for me. Yeah, I know it’s slow, but you have to start somewhere!!

I also started watching “The_Biggest_Loser” shortly after my BFN, because I felt like the biggest loser at that time. I’m trying to change my frame of mind over this, and be kinder to myself. I hope to post more on that later. I watched the whole season of BL. Let me back up a little. It first started with my lack of appetite after my BFN. I was grieving deeply, and that manifested as not eating. I love food, so when I don’t eat, I know something is wrong. I also knew enough about yo-yo dieting from my mom that I could really screw my body up if I just fasted, then binged. My mom is obese, so I have a few issues about never wanting to be as big as her, which unfortunately, seems to be the trend where my sisters are going. I was at the bookstore last December and I picked up Jillian_Michael’s “Master_Your_Metabolism” book. I vaguely knew her from The_Biggest_Loser, which I think I had watched once previously just flipping through channels. I cynically read part of her book in the bookstore (“what does a Hollywood celebrity know about eating right?!”), and ended up buying it because I agreed with everything she was saying about eating organic and getting toxins out of your diet. It’s an excellent book and great reference. This particular book is not so much about calorie counting than eating whole, healthy food.

I also joined up on Jillian_Michael’s website for about 6 weeks. After obsessing about numbers with IVF and IF, it was a natural transition to obsess about other number related to my body. I began tracking my calorie intake and weight. It was hard, but I lost 6 pounds. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but if you know me, you know that 6 pounds shows on my petite frame pretty significantly. It was also comforting to get a daily e-mail from JM so that I could be distracted from my grief. I know it sounds weird, but it was good for me to obsess about something other than IF and reading IF blogs everyday. It was very inspirational to watch The_Biggest_Loser finale last Tuesday. The actual finale was kinda boring compared to the weekly shows, but it was inspiring to see how the fattest man (526 lbs!) and woman lost half their body weight and found their confidence in their lives. In similar ways, I think that IF and IF treatments, especially when they fail, can feel like being so overweight that you don’t know where to start with your failure, so you just give up on yourself. I had lost my confidence in myself and my body after really feeling like I had a few good eggs left in me. I dieted and worked out (a lot) post-BFN as a way to control my body, since during IVF, all that control is taken away from you. You put your trust in a bunch of people you barely know, and also hand over a huge chunk of money that may or may not be managed correctly, depending on whether you get a BFP or a BFN, or maybe something else goes wrong, like an etopic pregnancy or multiples that your body can not handle.

So back to where you can help me now. I’ve been listening to the same tunes for a couple of months now, and I need some new ones to help me on my race. We are allowed to wear i.Pods during the race. Here’s what’s on my current, wornout playlist. It’s heavy on the Para.more and Linkin_Park tunes. I love their grindy, angst filled lyrics, cuz I have a lot of IF angst to work out, yaa know. But it’s time to celebrate now, because I’m a different person than where I was 6 months ago. I want to celebrate this little victory of mine, instead of grieving, for once! (Note: I inserted . and _ in my lame attempt to keep people from searching for these names and coming up with my blog).

Heartless by The_Fray (the warmup for the warmup, just cuz I like to feel bitter about how I was treated by some heartless people during my IF treatments)

Ramana by Chintan_&_Prem_Joshua (the warmup)

1901 by_Phoenix (love the name of the band. Cadillac anyone?)

Let’s Get it Started by Black_Eyed_Peas (one of my favorites right now for running – I love when they say “Get stoopid!”)

Dirt off Your Shoulder/Lying from You by Jay-Z/Linkin_Park (one of these hybrid songs – I like this particular one, though not a Jay-Z fan. Best part is the “BEATCH” at the end!)

Brick by Boring Brick by_Paramore

In the End by Linkin_Park (I pretty much love anything by Linkin_Park and have worn out other of their angst filled tunes. I used to hate LP, until I started listening to their lyrics and realized how brilliant their angst was. Pretty much all the lyrics of this song remind me of the waste and failure of IVF.

“I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter”

And these lyrics are for my doctor:

“I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter”

Decode by_Paramore (I always think of Twi.light when I hear this song, the first book I read post BFN. Nothing like a vampire love story to distract you from your IF grief. I love the lyrics, “how did we get here? I used to know you so well.” I think of myself with those lyrics and how I lost myself through IVF.)

Jai Ho from the Slumdog_Millionare soundtrack (Another of my favorite running songs, but I’ve pretty much worn it out.)

Ignorance by_Paramore (are you seeing a pattern here? I love a girl that can rock!)

Lying From You by Linkin_Park

Misery Business by_Paramore (another IF twist to the lyric: whenever I hear, and this is the way I hear it, not the actual lyrics “Whoa, whatever makes you brag, but I got it what I wanted now! Whoa, it was never my intension to brag…but, god, it just feels so good, cause I got it what I wanted. And if you could you knew you would, cause god, it just feels so good.” I think of all the women who have succeeded in getting pregnant, mocking me, where I have failed. Just listen to it, and I think you’ll get what I mean.)

What I’ve Done by Linkin_Park (I won’t even go into what this means for me, but you can go ahead and guess)

Crushcrushcrush by_Paramore

Durga_Ye by Chintan_&_Prem_Joshua

I hope you can send me some rockin’ tunes ASAP to run to tomorrow, cuz I know you don’t have anything better to do on Memorial Day weekend! I’ve got to load it up tonight because race time is 8:46am tomorrow morning!! It will be all over but the tears by 10:00am! Please leave me your favorite rockin’ workout tunes in a comment, and THANKS for staying with me on this crazy ride!!

P.S. My friend Mrs. Last Chance IVF has a great analogy about IF and races on her blog here: “The Longest Race”

P.P.S. A cord match may have been found for Devan!!

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Kathy Jin permalink
    May 30, 2010 12:01 pm

    I was completely addicted to the BL this season too and this was the first time that I watched it in its entirety! I always cried at least once during the show…something about how everyone always bared their souls and really delved deep into their problems…it is inspiring in so many different ways, not just with weight loss. It’s about much more – like how you change your life, be it regarding your weight or your outlook or how you love yourself.

    I don’t know if you’d like this song but it’s by Evanescence – Bring Me To Life. She sings it in such an angry, angst filled tone…it suited my mood a lot when I was trying to work things through. It has a pounding beat which I find suited running really well.

    Good luck with your 10k! I’ll be waiting to hear what your final time was and I think you’re going to surprise yourself with how well you do.

  2. geeksinrome permalink
    May 30, 2010 2:59 pm

    you’ll do great tomorrow! just make sure to time your first mile and keep it at a manageble pace. the adenaline from all those people at the starting gun tends to make people do the first mile way too fast and that means the next 5 miles HURT! Better to start way slow in the back of the pack and pick it up at the two mile mark. Better to finish the race feeling good than sucking canal water.

    I have never heard ANY of the music you have on your iPod!! But I assume you want non-angst stuff. I am in time-warp Italy so all my music is from the ’80s. I do love Belle and Sebastian. Try Funny Little Frog in my Throat. I love Style Council, the Smiths, Violent Femmes are always good. I’m the worst person for music advice. I love Broadway show tunes. You could run to Cole Porter! My fave!

  3. May 30, 2010 3:47 pm

    Great taste in music!

    I say you do it in 43 minutes. Of course, that’s just slightly more than my time for a 5K ’cause I am NO runner! Best of luck!

  4. May 30, 2010 7:15 pm

    Wow, I’m kinda in awe of you right now. So fabulous that you’re going to get yourself to the starting line, not to mention the finish line.

    Love some of the songs on your list, like Jai Ho and the Durga one.

    Best wishes tomorrow. I’ll be sending you finishing thoughts!

  5. Duck permalink
    May 31, 2010 4:45 am

    RACE DAY!! Have a blast – you’re doing fabulous.

  6. May 31, 2010 4:43 pm

    Man I’m too late! However, we don’t ever run with music so I would have been no help! I am sure you kicked ass and took names 🙂
    Give us an update and treat yourself to a nice something–sweet treat (do you EVER??), hot tub, massage, etc!

  7. June 1, 2010 12:08 am

    I’m too late but I hope you had a great race. I’m very proud of you for doing it. It involves much determination and endurance. I love “Across the Antheap” by XTC for running, there is something about the pace that is perfect for me.

  8. June 1, 2010 9:34 am

    holy crap,GOOD FOR YOU and hope bear can handle it when you kick his ass.

    So impressed with your tenacity- holy crap.

  9. Denver Laura permalink
    June 3, 2010 11:22 am

    I’m so impressed (and jealous). It’s a little late to offer any music, but I’m gonna look over your list and make some suggestions from my lists. Right now I listed to podcast dj’s becuase they last anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours. You’ve come a long way since December.

    The lyrics kind of remind me when I was driving around town a day before a long term overseas trip where I needed desperately to find 1actaid. The song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” came on the radio. The absurdity of it all sent me into laughter and tears at the same time.

  10. June 5, 2010 8:19 am

    Sorry I’ve been away from the blogosphere for a while and I missed your post. I hope the 10K went really well!

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