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When You Are Depressed

March 14, 2010

It’s been 3 months post BFN, not like you or I’ve been counting.

Have you seen this commercial? They played it several times during the Olympics.

When you are depressed, what do you want to do?

Nothing.

When you are depressed, who do you want to be with?

No one.

The last time I saw this commercial, I broke down and cried because I knew they were describing me. I feel this way often. I know I have this underlying depression. The only thing that seems to help when I’m feeling like this is working out. Because of our financial situation, I feel like I don’t even have the resources to see someone about it, not like I really trust anyone to be able to deal with what I’ve been through. Sometimes, getting bad help is worse than getting no help at all.

I feel sad about this last cycle not working. I feel angry about how the cycle was mismanaged. I have a lot of unresolved feelings over our previous loss, that I don’t know will ever be resolved. I feel sad that I blew a lot of money on this last cycle and now don’t have any money for any other treatments. We are so far into debt, that I feel hopeless about even being able to afford more treatment, even if I do decide to do DE.

I feel that if I’m to do DE, I need to confront BigShotClinic about their screw up. But I don’t feel up for that either. I’m not ready for them to not take responsibility for their actions, which is what I expect them to do. Any suggestions? Anyone have any experience confronting their fertility clinic?

I think I’m at peace with using donor eggs, but the whole process is so daunting for me. Emotionally, I know I’m not ready for it yet. Financially, I don’t even know how long it would be before we are ready financially. I think we will be too old by then to even want to try.

I’ve received the advice, and read this too, that getting in and out of IF treatment as soon as possible is best. Easier said than done. I am someone who takes a long time to grieve my losses. I know other women who move quickly from cycle to cycle, from their eggs to donor eggs. I wish it were so easy for me, but it’s not. And then there is that pesky money issue. If it wasn’t all so damned expensive and if I had insurance to cover the costs, I would be going through this a lot quicker, for sure.

I was looking up why Ophrah (intentional typo) did not have kids. She said that she had not been mothered well, and so did not feel like she could be a good mother herself. I feel the same way. I’ve been questioning if I really am fit to have children. I suppose it’s some sort of defense to not feel the grief I feel, or rationalization that I’d be better off without kids. The fact is that I’m still sad about not having a child. I don’t know if that’s reason enough to keep pursuing motherhood.

I feel split. I have made some strides in coming to terms with the two choices that are available to me, DE or child-free. Adoption is actually my first preference, but Magic is still adamently against it. But feeling like I’m coming to terms with two choices that are directly in opposition with one another really fucks with my head.

All I know is that I’m frustrated, hopeless, and depressed where I’m at.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. elliej permalink
    March 14, 2010 3:25 pm

    Sending you hugs Phoebe and wishing peace for you xxx

  2. March 14, 2010 5:55 pm

    I don’t have any advice or words of wisdom. But I’m here with you, supporting you as you find your way.

  3. March 14, 2010 6:10 pm

    Oh that commercial gets me every single time. Especially the one about “who does depression hurt?” and it shows the dog with the leash and no one is walking him. What a tearjerker!
    I am so sorry that money is such an issue in all of this–it truly is one of the most unfair aspects of this whole process. Well, I guess ALL of it is unfair, but the money part is particularly frustrating.
    And while I obviously don’t know you super well, I feel like I do, and having met you three times, I just cannot agree with the idea that you might not ‘fit’ to be a mother. You have a kind and generous heart and right there that makes you more fit than most.
    I just wish it didn’t have to be so hard to figure out a way to get there.
    Sending you hugs.

  4. March 14, 2010 6:45 pm

    Many hugs, Phoebe. I’ve cried with that commercial too knowing they were describing just how I felt. I hate that you are in this place right now and wish I had the magic potion that could pull you through.

    The whole vicious IF circle pisses me off. You want “good” help to process what you have been through, but have spent all your money on cycles gone wrong – which is what you need to process in the first place. And how about throwing in the fact that it’s hard to move to the next stage without this processing, but if you spend all your money on the processing you may not have any to spend on the next event. I’m not making much sense, but these kinds of thoughts are not lost on me. I know you have likely exhausted your options on talking to someone, but if there is anything I can do to help please let me know. I know sometimes it is just too overwhelming to want to try to figure out what to do…

    I have seen the get in/get out advice too and as great as it is for some, much like the rest of life it does not fit all. I am in your boat with needing to process what has happened before moving onto something else. Take your time and do what you need to do. I am right there with you.

    I’m sorry this all hurts so fucking much…

  5. March 14, 2010 8:47 pm

    Sending you love and peace…holding you in my heart.

  6. March 14, 2010 9:20 pm

    You’re processing so much right now – I can’t believe it’s only been 3 months…I wish I had advice to give on confronting Big Shot Clinic. It would be so good if they gave you a free or heavily discounted DE cycle in return for all that they’ve put you through – Riley at It Takes a Village did get some sort of deal with hers, if I recall correctly. All I have to offer up to you is Dr. Lovely – he may not be close to you, but if you decide to do DE, I can put you in touch with him and he can recommend a colleague nearest you. E-mail me if you want more info.
    Take care.
    Love,
    Maddy

  7. March 15, 2010 6:07 am

    ” . . .not like I really trust anyone to be able to deal with what I’ve been through. Sometimes, getting bad help is worse than getting no help at all.”

    This. You’ve said exactly what I’ve often thought, but never formulated in quite those words.

    My impulse (admittedly a stupid and selfish one) is to try to “fix” it, to offer suggestions or solutions. But I’m going to keep my mouth shut and just tell you that you’re in my thoughts and my heart.

  8. March 15, 2010 9:09 am

    It sounds like you are indeed coming to terms with things. It is definitely a long and complicated process. Dealing with infertility is difficult enough on its own without adding the financial strain. From your past posts it seems like you are moving forward and wading through all of the emotions. I hope that soon you’ve made it through.

    About getting help, is there someone your clinic can recommend or someone you know who has seen a dr. that specializes in infertility and loss? I found mine on the infertilitynetwork.org – here’s the link http://infertilitynetwork.org/counslrs in case you want to look into it. (the woman I found deals with donor conception specifically)

    Sending many hugs your way.

  9. kayjay permalink
    March 15, 2010 11:31 pm

    Aw honey…I’m so sorry to see that you’re in such pain as I was hoping that the old cliche about time healing all wounds was true for you at this point of your journey. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better. I don’t have any advice about confronting your fertility clinic but you are so well versed with what went wrong and your situation and can speak so intelligently about it (like an IF doctor) that when the time comes for you to confront them, I know you’ll be well prepared and can articulate your points well. Sending a hug your way.

  10. March 16, 2010 8:50 am

    Would reaching out to friends be better then getting professional help? Friends know us better and we feel more comfortable with them.

    I hope you can find someone that will treat you the way you need and deserve to be treated. Sending you so much peace and love.
    *HUGS*

  11. March 16, 2010 7:13 pm

    Phoebe — I was glad to see your post in my Reader. I think writing and journaling can be so therapeutic…especially with us, your readers, who care so much for you.

    It sounds like the grieving process has been and is difficult. I’m so sorry. In my experience with my ex-husband’s depression, I found that depression is so engulfing. When he needed help the most is when he was least likely to ask for it…because he just didn’t feel like he could.

    I’m sending you loving and healing energy and wish there was something more I could do or say to help.

  12. Sky permalink
    March 19, 2010 4:58 pm

    Phoebe – I wanted to give you a heads-up and fair warning in the event you ever decide on a donor egg cycle. You MUST establish, in advance, that you want all of your embryos frozen individually. The normal protocol is to freeze in straws of two. The only time they don’t do that is with CGH tested embryos – for obvious reasons (i.e., they must be able to distinguish the normals from abnormals and no result ones). Otherwise, the reason I was told they freeze in straws of two is because over 99% of their patients doing IVF with their own eggs or a donors, opt to transfer two back on FETs because the rate of success is lower (twins is 25% for two donor embryos on FET cycle). So unless you want to do what I had to do this last cycle (thaw 2, transfer the best one and re-freeze the other – which is inadvisable to do), you must get it in writing that you want them frozen INDIVIDUALLY. Let my experience not be in vain. 😦

  13. March 21, 2010 8:34 am

    phoebe, just wanted to say thinking of you. sending healing thoughts.

    Mo

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