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Christmas Canceled

December 21, 2009

I’ve stopped eating. I canceled Christmas. Everything took a turn for the worse yesterday.

Magic came home finally on Friday, which was great. Saturday, I was getting irritated with him all day. I didn’t understand why at the time, but I don’t think it was really him I was irritated at. I noticed I was anxious all day too. We went to The Messiah Sing-Along on Saturday night, which was great. Even though I was happy to be singing, the undercurrent of sadness was still there. On Saturday, Magic got a call from a friend who was in town and wanted to go skiing with him. The only time that worked for both of them was Sunday. At the time, I didn’t see a problem with it, though it wasn’t like Magic really asked me if I minded if he went. I was disappointed Magic and I were not going to go climbing, but I had no idea how badly my mood was going to change without him around.

I made an attempt yesterday to work on some of my emotional issues from this latest failure, which of course, relates to all the other failures. That turned out to be a really bad idea. I attempted to post something light, because I felt guilty about posting such a downer post previously. I deleted that light post because it’s not really the truth of where I’m at. I ended up getting very triggered and now I seem to be stuck in depression/sadness/lack of will to live.

I have a lot of confusing feelings right now. Magic said it’s the hormones, and I know that is contributing to my emotional state right now. I’m only two weeks out from stopping all the hormones. I know it could be hell for another two weeks. At least, I hope it’s not any longer than that. There isn’t much I really care about right now.  I’m not up for all the work it takes to make Christmas dinner, so I decided to bag it. I would have had to start working on it yesterday, but I ended up doing nothing. Magic keeps telling me he will help, but he doesn’t really know how to make everything, and I’m just not up for running the show. I thought about starting anti-depressants today, but I really don’t want to. If I have to, I will, but they have side effects that I don’t like. I don’t want to have to go back to a shrink and tell the whole friggin’ story again. I don’t want to take the risk that the rehashing will bring the trauma back again, because that’s what I think is happening. I’m taking some neurotransmitter supplements. If they don’t work, I’m going to have to go for the pharmaceutical 2″x4″.

Today is Winter Solstice. It’s when we are supposed to be celebrating the return of the light. I allowed myself to have a cup of tea this morning. My herbal teas have little inspirational messages on the end of the string. The one I got today says, “May your light become a living universal light.” It sounds nice, but where I’m at feels like the darkest night of my soul I’ve had in a long time.

Updated: I forced myself to eat something, but only because I want to go running over my lunch break and not pass out while doing it.

20 Comments leave one →
  1. December 21, 2009 11:03 am

    I’m sorry you’re in so much pain and I wish there was something I could do to help make it better. About the lack of will to live feelings, please know that the world is a better place with you in it than without you. It sounds so cliché but things will get better, tomorrow is a better day.

    As to how to get out of the funk, I think once the hormones are out of your system it will be easier. Also, try thinking of one thing a day that you are thankful for or that makes you smile – hold that with you for the day. Lastly, this is something that works for me when I’ve been spending too much time in a dark place – I just fake it until I pull myself out. I paste a smile on my face, force myself to go and be around people, to laugh etc and eventually I’ll find that I am enjoying myself. It won’t make everything go away, but it makes it more bearable.

    One more thing, you may need to tell a shrink the whole darn story. Kind of like verbal diarrhea… get it out of your head. Write it down, scream in a pillow, just get it out of you.


  2. thecanadianduck permalink
    December 21, 2009 11:40 am

    Hey Pheobe,
    I have nothing useful to say, but, wanted you to know I am reading and thinking of you, and get the cancelling Christmas thing – you do whatever you got to do.

  3. December 21, 2009 12:04 pm

    There’s some great advice from Sweet Georgia.

    Take it one day at a time, and if that seems like too much, take it one hour at a time or one minute or one second at a time.

    I am still holding space for you and sending you energy.

  4. December 21, 2009 1:29 pm

    Dear dear Phoebe. I don’t blame you for cancelling Christmas, or for being irritable, or for being down and dark and sad. Or for not wanting to see a therapist. I am sitting here, thinking about how I might feel in your shoes, and what I might do. I would probably be feeling/doing the same thing. And then…for what it’s worth…then I would get a puppy or a kitten. Our black lab puppy has been the best therapy for us, anyway.

    I hope the hormones work their way out of your system soon – this is hard enough without chemical misery.

    Lots of hugs to you.

  5. December 21, 2009 2:09 pm


    IVF sucks, holidays suck even more, and holidays with a failed IVF sucks more than words can describe. I don’t have any words of wisdom that have helped me except do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Tivo everything so you can skip through the horrible jewelry commercials and kid’s toy commercials.


  6. December 21, 2009 2:39 pm

    I would not be able to create a Christmas dinner, either. Cancelling it was the right decision, I bet.

    Just like the dark of the deep winter, this, too shall pass. Like Sheri said, minute by minute. Step by step. Friend by friend.

  7. elliej permalink
    December 21, 2009 2:52 pm

    Phoebe Big Big hugs. I’m so so sorry your cycle was not the success you deserved it to be. Of course you feel like sh*t, it is so bloody unfair. Know that we are rooting for you. and do whatever YOU have to do (or not to do) to get you through this time Love elliej xxx

  8. December 21, 2009 3:24 pm

    *catching up*

    I’m so sorry hon. Best wishes for you that longer days bring more light into your life. ((HUGS))

  9. December 21, 2009 6:51 pm

    Sometimes we have to do things to save ourselves like canceling Christmas, otherwise it’ll make us worse. You have to take care of yourself right now. Do the best you can, take a minute at a time and do what comforts you.

    Thinking of you

  10. December 21, 2009 7:42 pm

    Hey sweet Phoebe,

    think of food as fuel, just do it. Fuel your brain, your dreams.
    and the blue sucks ass, it does, and the hormone soup is probably a magnifier, but I also think that so much of this bullshit is post (or mid) traumatic stress, that I want you to know that I hear you– have you thought about EMDR? really effective for trauma.

    just because she is in your neighborhood and one of the most amazing people I know, an intuitive healer/life coach, Karen Alonge I love her dearly and deeply- and sometimes she knows what to ask or what to say that helps me turn the corner of my own dark places.

    When things suck it is hard to remember what it is like for them not to suck, and grief does pull grief out of the shadows for company. So please take care of yourself as if you are someone else if you have to.

    Tomorrow brings longer light.

    sending love,

  11. geeksinrome permalink
    December 22, 2009 12:01 am

    Use this winter solstice as a guide. This period of darkness will seem like it lasts forever, but one day something will turn and each day will get just a hair lighter.

    You did the right thing canceling any big blow out dinner. You do not need that stress. Get back to basics. Enjoy the people in your life right now, eat simple and bask in the candlelight knowing that someday there will be a new spring again.

    Big hugs. So sorry this all had to happen around the holidays. Sending you lots of love.

  12. Jen permalink
    December 22, 2009 9:06 am

    Thinking of you and wishing you brighter days on the horizon.


  13. December 22, 2009 1:43 pm

    Phoebe, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this again. Just know I am thinking of you and seeking to hold you in the Light as my Quaker friends would say…

  14. December 22, 2009 7:45 pm

    Hey Pheobe

    I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. It aint ever easy.

    The combination of longing and disappointment is heart breaking. Hope always hurts and so much more when it is shattered.

    with you


  15. December 22, 2009 9:00 pm

    Just read your news. I am sending you positive vibes.


  16. December 23, 2009 10:15 am

    skip the dinner and do something easy and that you love! Heck I’d be heading out for Chinese – depending on where you live. See a movie – pretend it’s not Christmas. skip it. I was once due on Christmas Day – not a fun holiday for a couple years. that first year was pure hell. Funks are hard and it does take a while. Is there another type of anti-depressant you could take? I did zoloft once and it made me unbalanced in the walking type of way. Something else might work in a different way. It can help a lot.
    I’m sorry you are so down – hang in there.

  17. Kayjay permalink
    December 23, 2009 7:23 pm

    I get that you’re really hurting right now and I think you did the right thing. If you’re not up to an elaborate dinner than you shouldn’t do it. Neither should you have to explain yourself to anyone else (be it professional or friend) or paste a smile on your face when you don’t want to. Your feelings are completely normal and you need to do what you feel you have to do in order to cope and deal with this. Sending a hug your way.

  18. December 23, 2009 7:57 pm

    I’m so sorry. Holding thoughts of you in the light.

  19. December 29, 2009 7:02 am

    Catching up on my blog reading, & sending you some belated (((hugs))).

  20. January 1, 2010 6:16 pm

    I know we’ve emailed behind the scenes, but I’m sorry I’m just reading this now. Fuck. This hurts so much. You are pushing so hard in so many other ways to keep moving forward. Something seriously had to give, my dear. What is one more big dinner anyway? You have to take care of you and keep taking care of you. This transition is one sucky place to be and coupled with the holidays is just too much. I’m sorry…really truly sorry.

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