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It’s Never Simple

December 18, 2009

The grief really hit last Saturday. I’ve been up and down ever since. I wish this could just be a grieving of the loss of this IVF cycle, but no. The baggage from my last pregnancy I thought I had shipped off on a one-way ticket to nowhere was really just stuffed in the back of my closet, and has come tumbling back down on me on the heels of this IVF cycle failure.

Failure. This is a word I aspire to not take personally, but I can not help but feel like “The World’s Biggest Loser”. It’s hard for me to go public with this announcement because I feel like I’m taking on that title of “failure”. I feel like I have failed in many ways in the reproductive department. I feel like a failure as a woman and a human being. I know that no one would have thought I was crazy if I had decided to do DE instead of one more cycle with my own eggs. Was I crazy to even try?

Tell me again the part about BigShotClinic blowing my cycle? It doesn’t seem to matter to me, but only to make me angry and frustrated. Because if I do go on to Plan ZZ, I’ll have to suck it up and go back to there.

I believe I have heard the whispers of, “well, she’ll do DE now and get pregnant, and everything will be hunky dory.” Really? Do you really think that of me? That I would wish to go through this hell again. To discover that the wounds I thought were healed over were just festering below the surface after the scab was ripped off? It’s like the horror movie you have watched many times. You know where the scary parts are, so you can fast forward through those, or walk out of the room. But I’m shackled to my seat with toothpicks keeping my eyes open. I know the story. It doesn’t grip me as it once did, but I feel the anxiety as it approaches and waves of trauma pass over me when the gory scenes are gone. I can do dark like nobody’s business. I’ve had feelings this week of being so angry I wanted to smash something that shatters, like a plate or glass, then pick up the shards and pass them over my wrists. It’s very seductive, ending it all, but it’s just a fantasy to side-step the grieving. Gym climbing saved me one day this week from having a very dark evening.

I don’t know that I can really do this again. I had a back up plan, but I did not know if I would have the resources to go through with it, emotionally and financially. I warned my spirit baby that this might be the last time. It certainly is the last time with my eggs, no question about that. Maybe this pregnancy thing is just a bad idea for me. Magic is adamently opposed to adoption, though it has always appealed to me.

I need to stop thinking about it. Forget about children, and babies, and having the family I’ve always wanted. I need to love the wonderful things that life has to offer me now. But I just can’t do that. It’s not that simple.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. December 18, 2009 12:17 pm

    Take your time to grieve and deal with everything you’ve been through. There’s no need to start making a plan or thinking about next steps. You have been through a shitstorm and it’s okay to sit down and ask “why me” and to scream at the world if that’s what needs to be done. Just make sure to pick yourself back up and keep moving. Let Magic comfort you and comfort him. If taking a break from all this stuff is what you need to do… do that. If knowing your next step is what will make you feel better… do that. Just know that there’s nothing you HAVE to do except deal with what is for the moment (and you don’t even have to do that if you don’t want to).

  2. December 18, 2009 12:25 pm

    Oh, God, Phoebe, I’m so sorry, so so so sorry.

  3. thecanadianduck permalink
    December 18, 2009 12:37 pm

    Hugs lady.
    You are right, it is not that simple, it is never that simple. I get the feeling of failure (and I hate it when I feel like that, a failure as a woman because I will never be pregnant, a failure because I have no career yet am way over educated, I feel like I have failed me so many times in life and I hate that feeling, its so black).
    hang in there.

  4. December 18, 2009 1:28 pm

    Sweet Georgia took the words right out of my mouth. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of your heart, body and soul right now. You’ve been through hell and you’re allowed to be raw and furious and shattered and more. I wish so much that I could take away the pain and the fury for you, because I care about you and no one should have to go through this. It’s completely wrong and unfair. I’m glad that climbing provided some relief from the darkness, and hope you can do more of it and whatever else you need to get through this.
    Love,
    Maddy

  5. December 18, 2009 3:34 pm

    Phoebe — I am so very sorry and am holding space for you as you grieve.

    I selected a tarot card for you and got the Six of Swords. This is a card about moving away from stress and troubles, releasing tension…and brighter days ahead. Peace of mind will be restored as you continue to move forward — even if it’s only day-by-day, step-by-step…just keep walking.

    I pulled the Six of Swords for Intuitive Tuesday in early July. You can check it out here: http://www.wildwomenuniverse.com/2009/07/intuitive-tuesday-six-of-swords.html

    I’m sending you energy.

  6. December 18, 2009 7:09 pm

    Sweet Georgia is a wise woman, as are these others and Sheri.

    I am here supporting you, too. I am close, so call on me if you need a candle in the dark.

  7. December 18, 2009 9:51 pm

    Sending you so much love, sweetie. I’m truly very sorry and wish I could take away your pain. Do what makes you feel a little bit better.
    Thinking of you.
    *HUGS*

  8. December 18, 2009 11:54 pm

    Intelligent, active, professional women always feel the need to go go go, move forward, make and execute the plan. If we are standing still we feel that we aren’t doing enough…but sometimes…that is just plain wrong. We need to stop. We need to heal. We need to feel all of our valid emotions. You have every right to be full of rage and sorrow and loss and grief. Take a time to heal your heart — just a little, patch a few empty places in your soul with music or meditation or climbing — whatever feels right for you.

    I know that you can’t do it all and some places may always be raw, but please Phoebe, give that time and consideration to yourself and your husband. You deserve to breathe and consider your next steps, what you really want in life going forward. I wish you a good life. I wish for you love and peace. –Traci

  9. December 19, 2009 6:19 am

    Oh Phoebe. I feel I might have offended you unintentionally when I mentioned why I sent the bracelet. It was NEVER to just seem like if your last cycle did not work you would move forward with DE and everything would be hunky dory. I do not think that in any way shape or form because I really do know how hard every single part of this nightmare is…and I think we’re in a somewhat similar place (though I certainly know I have not experienced the trauma you went through previously). The thoughts of shattering glass? Ditto. That anger wells up so deep and so great inside of me well…sometimes it is hard to fight.

    I hope you know that I’m here, for what it’s worth. And even though I’m walking this path with you, I know I can still screw up and say the wrong thing.

  10. January 1, 2010 6:25 pm

    I think one thing that I have learned throughout this is that no matter what someone says they “would do” or “would have done…if their last cycle didn’t work” that all bets are out the window after the cycle fails because in reality none of us ever expect that last cycle to fail. We could say what we thought might be next, but it is a whole new ballgame when it is your reality.

    Deal with the grief now and worry about next steps when you are ready. FWIW, I’m still not ready…

    Many hugs, my dear. I know that smashing something feeling all too well. You feel you may explode if you don’t do something to release the pain…

    Sending hugs across the miles.

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