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October 23, 2009

I’ve lost a few friends during my baby making journey. Mainly the gals who just wouldn’t understand what I’ve been through. I’m sad about this because I’m trying to reconnect with one of them, and it clearly isn’t working. I haven’t told her I’m going to cycle again. I know she wouldn’t be able to support me in the way I need.

I attended a new support group on Thursday at our local office of BigShotClinic. It was just me and one other gal. She was a lot younger than me, at 31. She had a failed cycle at BigShotClinic and was really scared. I gave her all my good info and told her not to worry since she hadn’t done anything before to improve her egg quality. I didn’t really get much support myself, but I was happy afterward. I was able to talk to someone about what I was going through, what we were going through! I no longer felt like this person who censors a big chunk of my life, putting on my smiley face at work, when underneath, I’m scared, anxious, depressed, or just in the doldrums of waiting, like now. I really want to talk about this with other women who are going through the same thing, and not just do it once a week for an hour.

I really have cherished meeting the bloggers who I get to know through their blogs. I always feel happy after meeting with you. It is the same effect as I had after the support group this Thursday. I have to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have been looking out for me since my last post. I’m very, very grateful and amazed at the outpouring of generosity!

So tell me, have you lost a BFF through your IF journey?

13 Comments leave one →
  1. Mad Hatter permalink
    October 23, 2009 7:15 pm

    Sorry you're having a hard time reconnecting with your friend. That's good that you went and were able to talk to someone in person – I generally don't acknowledge it with my friends in real life – just one or two. I have lost touch with friends with babies, though, not really intentionally, but more on a subconscious level, I think – it would take a lot of effort to see them for other reasons, and it's convenient for me to use the other reasons as excuses not to see them much, you know? I'm very grateful for you, too – thank you for being there for me and letting me be there for you.

  2. Infertile In the City permalink
    October 23, 2009 8:55 pm

    Well, I am thrilled to know you too, it's weird how I say well my friend pheobe she's doing x or y or z, and I mean it, i mean she's my friend, I've known her for years (yea – YEARS).

    As for those lost, in my early ifnertile days I reached out to a friend who has 3 neices throuh IVF via email (we worked together for 3 years and were close) she emailed me back this don't bother, you don't need kids, my sister wished she didn't do ivf… we've talked twice since.

  3. Sweet Georgia permalink
    October 24, 2009 9:55 am

    I know what you mean about feeling like you're censoring your life and slapping a big happy face over everything. I don't talk to my friends at all about these things.

    It's been an honour to get to know you and to share in your journey. You bring a very spiritual approach to things and you have inspired me to bring more of that to my life.

  4. Lavender Luz permalink
    October 24, 2009 12:00 pm

    It seems kind of bittersweet, to be the IF veteran, the one GIVING advice rather than receiving it. It shows how much you've endured and all you have to give.

    It feels so good to connect with people when you don't have to censor such a big part of your life.

  5. Sheri permalink
    October 24, 2009 2:45 pm

    I'm sorry you are having a hard time connecting with your friend.

    Support groups can be helpful because you have so many loving people around you who are going through similar feelings and experiences…and it feels OK to be who you are and be where you are on your path.

    I agree with Lavender Luz…it's hard to NOT be able to be yourself or to hide things in certain parts of your life or with some people. It takes precious energy…energy you could use in other areas of your life.

    Thinking of you…

  6. Pamela permalink
    October 25, 2009 7:19 pm

    My friendships were severely tested but in the case of the really good ones, we managed to find our way back to a comfortable place.

    Wishing the same for you…

  7. Lollipop Goldstein permalink
    October 25, 2009 8:36 pm

    Not a BFF, but one good friend. Even when I see her now, it's strained. We just can't seem to find that connection again. I agree–talking to people that you don't need to explain yourself to is priceless.

  8. thegalwho permalink
    October 26, 2009 4:43 am

    I've lost friends who just don't want to know or believe that I'm having issues, it's hurts beyond all other pain, to know that some days I'm in the depts of hell and that there is no one there holding the rope that I'm relying on pulling me out of the flames.


  9. Lost in Space permalink
    October 26, 2009 10:40 pm

    Those friendships are tricky when it comes to IF. I have a friendship that is on the outskirts right now and am not sure where it will end up yet. She wants to sweep my IF under the rug so to speak and just have the "old me" back. It's frustrating and if not for the many decades of friendship we have shared it likely would have been over long ago. I completely understand "I know she wouldn't be able to support me in the way I need." I'm sorry for this. It is a really difficult thing to come to terms with…

    I'm glad you found a new support group and that you were able to help someone else out. You do a lot of that, my dear. I truly hope you find some great IRL support from this too.

  10. DAVs permalink
    October 27, 2009 7:57 am

    I *think* I might make it through unscathed, without losing anyone. Although it definitely caused a small rift between me and my SIL (who had done IVF but remained amazingly quiet and unsupportive in the beginning) but we weren't really super great friends to begin with. At any rate, I guess I'll have to see how things finally end up…I definitely know it has caused some strains here and there.

  11. Michele permalink
    October 27, 2009 11:23 am

    I am sorry that you are dealing with the loss of a friend; I can relate. I have friends who have lapped me already, and it is just so hard sometimes to find common ground anymore. I really don't know anyone at all IRL suffering from IF, so I am very thankful for everyone I have met online. Although I wish that no one would have to take this journey to conception, it does help to know that I'm by far not the only one.

  12. zengirl permalink
    October 27, 2009 5:51 pm

    I'm sorry that you've lost friends over IF, and that you're unable to reconnect with them. I myself have lost friends over some insane reasons, but never over IF. Almost all my friends have a couple of kids of their own by now, and they've gotten used to the fact that I don't. So they never bug me about that anymore. I generally don't share my IF woes with my friends, except for one or two of my closest.

    It's hard not being able to share all the nitty gritty details of my IF problems with my friends in general-it's my choice because I feel it's too personal. So blogging has become a wonderful outlet for me to get it all out. And like you I am so consoled and comforted by the support I've had even with the few people who come by and listen to me every now and then. It's probably saving me lots of money in therapy in the future!

    I think it is beautiful how your own suffering has enabled you to help someone else in a similar position. I hope you make a lot more meaningful and supportive friends in place of the ones you've lost. (HUGS)

  13. geeksinrome permalink
    October 29, 2009 5:36 am

    I kept it all to myself so it was never an issue with my friendships. But how messed up is that that I wouldn't tell my friends?? It's how I protect myself from being hurt and because many people around me at the time would not have been a help anyway.

    I only told two people who I knew could help me and it was a blessing.

    I wonder what it would have been like to have had a blog then or at least to have used forums or something. I had nothing. It was really lonely.

    But I think you need to respect this person's reluctance and just let it go. I don't know her situation, but I do know when you are troubled with your own baggage or disappointments, having to hear other people's ups or downs can be a real burden.

    This is one reason I keep so much to myself IRL because I am afraid my listener is already over-burdened with his/her own shit; they don't need to hear mine.

    Thank god for blogs — if my moaning and blather are annoying the hell out of people they can just navigate away!!!

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