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October 5, 2009

And sometimes I don’t have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it’s so hard
It’s so hard

-Dixie_Chicks “So_Hard”

First, I want to thank each and everyone of you who have been leaving me comments during this difficult couple of weeks. I really appreciated the comments from NoodleGirl and Niobe who educated me about epigenetics, or the ability of the pregnant mother to turn on certain genes. I have never considered this possibility before. This really does help me let go more of my genes. Also, thanks to all the gals who have struggled with this issue, have made their peace and found happiness in having a child through donor eggs. Thanks as well to the gals who are in a similar situation as me, still struggling with the idea of donor eggs and still in limbo land hell.

Magic and I talked. He wants to try again with my eggs. I can not blame him, and I want to honor that. For me, I kinda feel like I’m fed up with my eggs. But I also realize that if there is any chance to do IVF with my own eggs now is the time and BigShotFertilityClinic has the best stats for my age group.

I am reluctantly agreeing to one more cycle with my eggs, but we still have to get past Dr. BloSun. After requesting 10 days ago for my clinical notes from our follow-up appointment (does it take an act of God here people?), I finally read in writing that Dr. BS is requiring us to do polar body testing if we do IVF with my eggs. For those of you who have never read your clinical notes from your doctor, do it. I always learn something new. For example, the new thing I learned was that Dr. BS is giving us less than 1% chance of a live birth. Neither Magic nor I recall him telling us this in our last appointment with him. I call this “emotional blackmail”. It’s the donor egg talk without the donor egg talk. It just makes me burn. I mean, really, why not just have the balls to say no, you can’t do IVF with your eggs?

I’m so angry that I have to try to convince him out of the polar body testing. I will make my case in an e-mail and send it tomorrow or the next day. Decision time is here. No more waiting. I have nothing to lose, since apparently, he gives me less than 1% chance of having a baby with my own eggs anyway. I’m not doing IVF if polar body testing is required. It will be a lot of heartache for nothing.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. Infertile In the City permalink
    October 6, 2009 2:01 pm

    Ugh to doc bs. Weird to read that they think you have a 1% chance with your own eggs, in truth I have never ever asked a doc about percentages. I know I have said this before, but, my doc in montreal, told me 3 things after our freeze all ivf, and numerous FET attempts. First, my lining will never grow, I will not be able to transfer embryos to my uterus as they will not live (and I could find a surrogate) and that I can still be a mother, I just need to change my view of how i get to that end point.

    epigenetics is interesting, and I dont understand it at all – so maybe I will stop by the others blogs and learn a little.


  2. October 6, 2009 2:30 pm

    I said it before and I'll say it again, requiring PB testing is utterly preposterous.

  3. NoodleGirl permalink
    October 6, 2009 3:09 pm

    Aw, a shout out! I'm verklempt. 😉 I wanted to let you know that there is a fascinating episode of PBS's Nova being shown now on Epigenetics. I swear I don't have stock in epigenetics, I'm just really interested as a probable DE recipient. It's called "Ghost in Your Genes". DH and I stumbled on it yesterday, when we were turning on the TV to watch House, and actually watched this instead. On my local station it's being rebroadcast tomorrow and Thursday.

    I highly recommend at least taping it. It's good stuff.

    GL with standing up to your RE on the polar body testing. It is outrageous that he's writing things in your notes and not saying them to your face. It was this same issue that made me change REs. Don't give in!

  4. DAVs permalink
    October 6, 2009 6:04 pm

    My blogger doesn't update properly–ugh. I'm just seeing this though it says 20 hours ago it was posted.

    Reading your own notes IS eye-opening isn't it? I always always think of that when I'm charting–that one day that patient could read what I wrote and just to keep it clinical, etc.

    But, I hate that you had to read that about the 1%. I HATE PERCENTAGES.

    It sounds like you guys have made a decision to go one more around with your eggs–I'm so excited for you! But I agree with everyone else–I would not do PBB. I don't really understand how he can force you…I'm sure you'd have to sign some stupid consent to do it and maybe you could just NOT sign and then go for a fresh transfer of whatever you have sans testing?? Just an idea. I'd love to see him try to justify a forced PBB…they do NOT have the numbers to back it up.

    Ok done ranting. Thinking of you, as always!

  5. Jill M. permalink
    October 6, 2009 6:15 pm

    I'm sorry for the bad news you had to read in your report. I hope you can move forward without PB and I hope you prove the statistic wrong. Hugs

  6. Lost in Space permalink
    October 6, 2009 8:39 pm

    I'm always amazed at how many inconsistencies I find when I read doctor's notes. Good for you for getting these from Dr. BS. When I got Schoolie's notes, he said that our chance with IVF was a long shot and donor eggs were a much better option… I would question why he never told you the percentage.

    I'm glad you are reaching a decision for your next steps. Definitely not an easy process. I will likely go ape-shit crazy if Dr. BS won't let you cycle unless you agree to PBB.

  7. niobe permalink
    October 7, 2009 4:55 am

    I'm so glad that my thoughts helped a little. I've been totally fascinated by epigenetics for obvious reasons. I just see so much of our surrogate in our baby, even though she has no genetic link to him.

  8. Lavender Luz permalink
    October 7, 2009 8:13 am

    Hi, Phoebe.

    I just wanted you to know I'm here and I'm reading, even though my knowledge/understanding of the procedures you're talking about was stunted several years ago.

    I like the way the Doc's name has gradually shortened to "Dr BS." Too funny.

  9. geeksinrome permalink
    October 7, 2009 9:55 am

    so sorry to have been out of commenting for so long. I can read you on my phone but i can't comment.
    you have it right about emotional blackmail. no doctor would say you have a 1% change at anything!! even if you were terminal with something.

    the testing sounds stupid and i can't get around what he gets by making you do it.

    also re donor eggs. did you ever read Horton Hatches an Egg by Dr. Seuss? it's a prophetic little tale that can be read as what happens with surrogacy (in this case a egg donation by a bird to an elephant). anyway, after Horton the elephant sits on a bird's egg for a year, it hatches and it's an elephant with wings. His gestating it and infusing it with his love make it turn it into a piece of him. It's quite neat.

    anyway. you will make the rigth choice and whatever choice you make may you find peace! xx oo

  10. Sweet Georgia permalink
    October 7, 2009 11:45 am

    The mandatory pb testing is ridiculous. Good luck taking a stand with your RE. I would be doing the same thing.

    I think I'd heard somewhere about epigenetics, but wasn't aware of the name. I'll definitely be looking into this further.

  11. NoodleGirl permalink
    October 7, 2009 6:16 pm

    Hey there again, just wanted to let you know that I found that NOVA epigenetics documentary I mentioned above on youtube:

    It in 5 parts, but it's all there!

  12. Thistle permalink
    October 12, 2009 1:54 pm

    PBB is totally unnecessary at our age. Sure, >90% of our eggs may be anueploid at our age, and that aneuploidy occurs during the first (65%) and second (35%) meiosis, so it will show up in PGS on the polar body. SO WHAT?!?! An aneuploid egg is unlikely to grow past Day 5, so why not transfer the whole lot and let nature sort it out in utero. Skip the high tech science (or at least the PBB part of high tech science) and let nature decide whether the embryos are OK. The fertility industry has already had enough of my money. (I say this after IVF #1 and pbb testing showed 5/6 of our "good to excellent" quality embryos were aneuploid. Could have gotten the answer for FREE instead of $2,500, 6 frozen embryos, and 6 weeks of my life waiting to find out.) Skip the PBB at our age.

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