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So Hard

October 2, 2009

Today, Magic and I had our first appointment with a BigShotClinic counselor to talk donor eggs. This is a different counselor than I blogged about before, who I had a good first session with, and then a disastrous second session with Magic. We wondered if we scared her away, which would be a good thing. I since found out that she was courting Em, my acupuncturist, to network for infertility patients for her new private practice. I told Em that I wouldn’t recommend her to anyone. Just had to get that rant out.

The new counselor was good, but there is no getting around the fact of how hard this donor egg decision is. She encouraged us to go for a “closure” cycle with my eggs if that is what we needed. I would so love to do this, but I feel like someone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness who decides to go for treatment, knowing it is doomed to fail. I don’t think I could take a BFN for $20k. I really need to try that hypno_fertility to get out of this mental rut. The counselor gave us homework. I’m supposed to write a letter to let go of my eggs. I’m not ready to break up with my eggs just yet though.

Magic and I came out of our session both exhausted. I came home and proceeded to unravel. I think I am really grieving the loss of my eggs. I don’t want to let go of them. It’s like when someone you love dies, and you just can’t accept that they are gone. This is like a death to me. I can not accept it, not yet.

A gal in my support group that I attended before my FET gave us all a “fertilty angst” CD. I keep playing the song, “So Hard” by the Dixie_Chicks in my head. They wrote this song specifically about their own fertility crisis. This verse really speaks to me:

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it’s so hard
It’s so hard

I can’t do this by myself. This is so hard.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. IF Optimist, then... permalink
    October 2, 2009 1:14 am

    Oh sweetie. It is really hard and I am sorry you have to endure any of this. Thinking of you and hoping that you will find your path and peace.

  2. October 2, 2009 4:12 am

    It is so hard.

    I am sorry that you have to face this hard turning point. Saying goodbye to eggs and to embryos is a type of death, but so intangible, but felt so deeply. I think you have to see it like that and honour the grief that you feel – it comes from love, even though you don't know who you are loving.

    Maybe in time that love will be transferred to a new little person that is not of you, but will become yours and you theirs.

    I'm still a fan of rituals. Of marking these momentous decisions in front of witnesses. Maybe creating some type of ceremony or service would be a way of symbolically saying bye to a dearly held longing.

    Sharing your sadness and sending renewed strength as you look to find the road from here.


  3. Mad Hatter permalink
    October 2, 2009 5:22 am

    It is. So so so hard. I think most of us can understand your position, even if not all of us have been given the donor egg talk. I have had that talk, and although I myself am not ready to go there, I am inspired by the women who do and who are either pregnant and have given birth – I totally admire Best When Used Before and Peeveme (Bellyaching and Benedictions). They show me that it's possible and it's wonderful. I think it is important to have closure, and that may or may not involve another IVF cycle with your eggs. I believe, for what it's worth, the closure needs to be more internal – whether through hypnosis or on your own, to sit quietly with yourself and your body and determine deep down whether you feel that your eggs are still up for it. If your answer is 'yes', I think another IVF cycle is in order. If it isn't, you would only be doing what you are afraid of – spending all that money to find out what you already feel you know. Doing this won't make it any easier, though, and I'm sorry for that – I wish you peace and strength and lots of love as you seek the answer. Know that we're all here to support you through anything.(((Hugs)))

  4. DAVs permalink
    October 2, 2009 6:42 am

    Oh Phoebe. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It is so hard, and those words don't even begin to scratch the surface of how hard. You're not alone, but then again, the suckier part about all of this is no one else can make the decision, no one else is in your head, in your body, in your heart. I wish you could do BOTH–a cycle with your OE and of course prove everyone wrong, and a cycle with DE IF you need it…why can't we win the freakin' lottery??

    Thinking of you.

  5. Sweet Georgia permalink
    October 2, 2009 7:07 am

    It is a grieving process to let go of your own eggs. I'm with you on this one. You're right. It is so hard.

  6. The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) permalink
    October 2, 2009 9:45 am

    Oh Phoebe, it is so hard…I'm so sorry. What a huge thing to have to grieve…just huge. Sending love…

  7. Lavender Luz permalink
    October 2, 2009 10:23 am

    It is. It was. And…

    AND you will move through this. In just the right way.

    Like dark and dawn, the goodbyes are simply preludes to the hellos.

    Holding you in my heart as you endure the dark. You are not alone.

  8. Sheri permalink
    October 2, 2009 10:57 am

    Phoebe — It is SO hard and I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

    I am sitting with you in this space of loss and grief and sending you love and support.

  9. Cara permalink
    October 2, 2009 4:02 pm

    Yes. So hard is exactly right. And, occasionally I am lucky enought to see someone push through that darkness and accept a donor egg, and have a healthy happy baby that calls THEM Mommy.

    I pray that your future is exactly that.

  10. kayjay permalink
    October 3, 2009 8:56 am

    Oh Phoebe…it's so hard to feel as though you are at a crossroads with your decision. It seems like your feet are going left but your heart has chosen to go right and everything feels torn apart. If you are at all thinking hypo therapy, I would highly recommend Lynsi (as I have posted about before) and it may give you some insight into making your decision. This is so heartbreaking and it really sucks.

  11. Denver Laura permalink
    October 4, 2009 8:31 pm


  12. October 5, 2009 12:12 pm

    I wish I could help you. But the truth is that my husband and I are both so wrapped up in the quest to use our own gametes that if it fails… that will be the END. The decision will make itself for us. Like I said, not helpful. I'm sorry.

  13. mekate permalink
    October 5, 2009 7:36 pm

    so hard indeed.

    thank you for your sweet support while I navigate my own sticky shitty labyrinth.

    you know? there is no right answer. for me, it is all about regret management. trying very hard to help my future self feel as comfortable as possible with the choices I am making now. there is no way to know if I am right until I get there and look back of course, but I am trying like hell to figure out what I will regret less.

    my intellect and my heart are at odds. and in this moment, my heart is winning.

    thinking of you,

  14. Lost in Space permalink
    October 5, 2009 8:11 pm

    Phoebe, this whole IF BS just sucks. SUCKS. I am sorry this is even something you are facing. It hurts like hell to let go of our individual genetics as well as a child that is a mix of us and our spouse. Some days I really feel okay with it and then there are the others…

    Hugs, my dear. I hope you are able to find some peace with your decision.

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