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Choosing Life

June 22, 2009

This has been my motto since Friday, “chose life“. What point would it be to go around moping about my bad statistics? What spirit baby is going to want to come into my life if I just think about offing it because I can’t get pregnant. What illusion am I buying into? No matter what, I am going to chose life.

Friday morning after the bad news, I didn’t feel like eating. I went into the basement and dug out my juicer. I grabbed whatever vegetables I had in the frig and juiced up a big glass of veggie juice. I also got so mad that none of the “Sea of Supplements” helped me, that I took a supplement holiday. And you know what? I feel great. The juice really seems to be helping me. I’ve been juicing now twice a day since Friday. I can’t eat enough vegetables in the day, so this makes sense to me to get more veggies in liquid form. My body likes it.

The real reason I started juicing is because somewhere in the back of my head, I remembered Julia_Indichova’s book “Inconceivable” and how she started sucking down the juice to get pregnant with her high FSH. I actually went to one of Julia’s workshops between IVF #1 and IVF #2. While I think she is a bit dramatic and very opinionated about IVF (did you miss the part where I said we had no choice because my husband had a vasectomy?!), I like her basic message that is to be your own authority. I pulled out her second book again, “The_Fertile_Female; How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World”. It’s a tall order, but I want to see just how far this longing will take me. I put all my confidence in my acupuncturists, and I didn’t listen to my body. I didn’t pay attention to all the stress I had been under with Fluffernutter passing away. Grief is so physically exhausting. I had my schedule, and I was sticking to it. Death is so inconvenient.

In a way, I am glad I got the bad news. It was a wake up call. I don’t know if I can turn the tide of time against me anymore. I did pull it off for awhile, though I have not given up yet. Sure, I spent a day wallowing in self pity, but I needed a swift kick in the pants to wake up. This is not going to be easy at age 42 and I’ll probably be 43 by the time I do IVF again (if they let me). I have to up the ante. I also have to listen to pay attention to myself better and try try try to get out of my head. Giving grief its space wasn’t in the plan, but I see that I should have respected that. Another hard lesson learned. I hope to post more soon about my recent overhaul.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. Beautiful Mess permalink
    June 22, 2009 11:20 pm

    Are lessons ever really easy to learn? The important, life changing ones, at least. I'm glad you're feeling good and your body is liking the veggies. Good for you for listening to your body! I'm not very good at that. Unless of course, my body is telling me to eat MORE chocolate.
    Sending you a big hug, just cause!

  2. Sweet Georgia permalink
    June 23, 2009 6:30 am

    I think you're allowed a day or half-day of wallowing. I'm glad you're changing your outlook. I haven't read either of her books, but now I might have to. Also,you've inspired me to look into a juicer.

  3. Infertile In the City permalink
    June 23, 2009 7:04 am

    It is a hard battle, and I too am approaching the I just want to live be happy, do what makes me happy.. I am glad I pulled myself off those drugs, it was too much.
    Will have to look up this book (and what kind of veggies are you juicing?).
    Take care

  4. DAVs permalink
    June 23, 2009 1:41 pm

    I think you need to get one of those "Choose Life" t-shirts from WHAM days and wear it with some little aqua shorts 🙂
    Just kidding, but hoping that made you smile.

    Hooray for juicing!

  5. kayjay permalink
    June 23, 2009 8:29 pm

    I'm glad that the juicer is making some great green cocktails for you and that most importantly, you feel better. I have been struggling for a while now to to figure out what is going on – at first I put all my faith into the medical system and ART, then I went all au naturel and put all my faith in naturopathic medicine and TCM and now, I'm finally listening to what my body is trying to tell me and I'm letting ART, IVF and all the natural remedies work together. I think you're on the right path and in the end, if it doesn't make you feel good, than don't do it!

  6. Blossom and Her Fruit permalink
    June 24, 2009 10:23 am

    i am so glad you are juicing. not for the juice but for the feeling it gives you. supplements suck and i have a billion bottles on my countertop. they are each a reminder of my infertility. stupid stuff.

  7. livinginhope permalink
    June 26, 2009 5:11 am

    I am sorry for your crap news!

    This is a really great post, after years of infertility treatment and starting out with wieght challenges my body has totally rebelled against me. I have just come off another negative and think I should perhaps look into healing myself naturally first and then do my next cycle in conjunction with natural remdies.

    Wishing you well

  8. Lost in Space permalink
    June 28, 2009 5:06 pm

    I'm sorry for all the crappy news, hun. It is so unexpected and unfair after all you have been doing to care for yourself and health.

    In typical Phoebe style, you are already picking up the pieces, finding a new plan, and putting it into action. I love your drive to continue moving forward, your spirit, and your take charge attitude. Keep fighting…

    Love and hugs…

  9. dragonflymama permalink
    July 9, 2009 8:24 pm

    i totally hear you on giving your body over to the acupuncturist and not listening to your body! i'm struggling with that myself–tcm/acupuncture tells me now raw foods, very little fruit. i've done that for a year now. and i've read so many contradictory things about a fertility friendly diet. and in the meantime, i feel like i've lost the ability to listen to myself. remember to thank yourself for your new insight.

    i'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now. sending you lots of positive, calming & centering energy.

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