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Isolation

February 3, 2009

I think there must come a time in every woman’s infertility journey that she feels isolated. I’ve been feeling that way myself in the past day. It doesn’t matter how many support groups I attend, forums I join, or infertility blogs I have subscribed to in my google reader, I still have moments when I feel like I’m alone and have no one to talk to.

I got an e-mail from the psychologist who runs the support group I used to attend in the big city a bit too far from my house. I intentionally keep my story private because I worry it will isolate me from others even more. Yet I also know there are those out there who would benefit from my story. It’s a conundrum for me. She had this to say about it:

Anyone who doesn’t respond to your – or anyone’s – story with openness and an attempt at empathy doesn’t know what they themselves has lived.

I was touched by this. It reminded me of some of the people in my enlightenment training group. Some have been through horrendous abuse as children. I do not need to know the details nor do I need to have had experienced something similar myself to have compassion for them. I’ve grown in my experience down this path of trying to have a baby the not-so-old-fashioned-way. I’ve learned to open my heart to women I never thought I had the capacity to. It has opened my eyes and heart to the struggles of all women.

So please understand when I don’t share the particulars of my history. It’s traumatizing to me. As I get closer to my FET, I relive the horror of my previous pregnancy. It’s not something I can really explain very well. It’s a feeling; a feeling of impending doom. I also understand now that my trauma goes back to experiences in other lifetimes around pregnancy. I can’t explain that because I don’t understand it. I’m not even sure I really believe it, but at the same time it makes perfect sense to me. Apparently, I’m still working out trauma from these other lifetimes too. Today, all I know is that I feel incapacited by it all. I know I am still grieving, for all the losses, this lifetime, and others, no matter how strange it may sound.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. DAVs permalink
    February 3, 2009 3:16 pm

    Grief and sadness are grief and sadness, plain and simple. You’re right–none of us may have identical journeys but it seems we all know pain. I’m sorry for all of your pain, grief, and sadness. I hope that your upcoming FET goes smoothly and results in a pain-free, trauma-free pregnancy (and I hope that doesn’t sound trite). Isolation is tough. You’re not alone.

  2. The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) permalink
    February 3, 2009 9:09 pm

    Oh, Phoebe, I can just feel the beauty and goodness and tenderness of your heart in this post. Know that I am holding you–and my hopes for you and your child–in a very tender, loving space in my own heart today. Blessings and peace, sister.

  3. Lost in Space permalink
    February 3, 2009 11:02 pm

    It doesn’t sound strange at all, Phoebe. I think no matter how many people we find online and IRL who “get it” and can relate, we all still have our own thoughts and feelings to contend with on our own at the end of the day. These are the really hard ones.It’s so hard to share “everything” with everyone and expect them to understand. I 100% agree with your psychologist. If anything else, IF has really taught me to not judge what someone else may or may not do. I have dropped “Oh, I would just….” from my vocabulary when discussing a situation I have never been faced with. It truly is so much different when you are up against something so few have faced and never will.I’m here if you need me….sending you peace and hugs.

  4. Cara permalink
    February 4, 2009 9:02 am

    I hear you loud and clear. I am really struggling with the all-encompassing reach grieving has over every aspect of not just our lives, but those of the children we eventually bring to this world. See my current BHB post for details. I guess isolation is just part of the ride for sections of it. Thinking of you as you approach your FET.

  5. geeksinrome permalink
    February 4, 2009 11:28 am

    That is a great line from the psychologist. infertility definitely has made me so much more sensitive toward a hidden, secret problem for so many couples. you can never “come out” competely with everyone, but you can cherish the few moments of freedom that should come with the few people who hear you and hold you in your grief and confusion. You need never be afraid with the people you trust and open up to. It won’t make it better or easy, but it draws us closer to you and (I hope) gives you a glimpse of some hope, love and understanding.

  6. Pamela Jeanne permalink
    February 8, 2009 3:43 pm

    I still feel isolated from time to time by my IF experiences for reasons that don’t add up — but that’s part of the accepting the challenge. Emotions are not always rational. Just wanted to say that I understand…

  7. Heather permalink
    February 9, 2009 3:54 pm

    Sending hugs your way. I just found your blog today from “Lost in Space” and I had to come here for your name. I have an 8 year old daughter named Phoebe who was our first success with IF treatments. We’ve had no luck until recently with IVF and it’s been a very tough road. From what I’ve seen so far, I think we have a lot in common about how we’ve approached this issue. I’ve learned a lot about Iyengar yoga, TCM, chiropractic and cleaning up my diet and stress levels on this journey. I’d really love to be considered to be able to read your private blog, but I understand if you’re not interested in reading about my current success story. I remember the pain of being on the other side way to much.I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I’ve known my RE for a decade now and other than endo that hasn’t reoccurred since I changed my lifestyle, my IF issues are completely unexplained by western medicine. However, with TCM I could see the signs clearly. Hang in there.

  8. Heather permalink
    February 9, 2009 3:55 pm

    Sending hugs your way. I just found your blog today from “Lost in Space” and I had to come here for your name. I have an 8 year old daughter named Phoebe who was our first success with IF treatments. We’ve had no luck until recently with IVF and it’s been a very tough road. From what I’ve seen so far, I think we have a lot in common about how we’ve approached this issue. I’ve learned a lot about Iyengar yoga, TCM, chiropractic and cleaning up my diet and stress levels on this journey. I’d really love to be considered to be able to read your private blog, but I understand if you’re not interested in reading about my current success story. I remember the pain of being on the other side way to much.I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I’ve known my RE for a decade now and other than endo that hasn’t reoccurred since I changed my lifestyle, my IF issues are completely unexplained by western medicine. However, with TCM I could see the signs clearly. Hang in there.

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