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Sinking Feelings

January 8, 2009

I finally came to the realization, with Magic’s help, that I can not go back to my old RE. I think it came down to feeling like I could not trust him or the embryologist to take care of me in the future. I also do not believe they would ever take any responsibility for their carelessness. I have thought about going back many times, rehearsed what I would say to them, and it feels too traumatic. As it is, I dissociated the last time I went to the new RE’s office.

I didn’t want to check my e-mail tonight. I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I forced myself to e-mail him today, my new RE, to tell him that we are ready to move forward with our frozen embryo transfer. I knew he would have answered. I didn’t really want to know the answer, to know that I will be going back in that cold environment where I have to shut down my emotions. Where strangers do things to me that I really don’t want to think about. And who knows what the outcome will be. It all makes me sick.

On the other hand, I want to meet her so badly. I hope she will accept one of our frozen embryos. I don’t know if I can go through another loss. I don’t know if I can go through another IVF cycle. I hope that she will come this time. I hope she is ready. I hope I am ready.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. DAVs permalink
    January 9, 2009 8:08 am

    I don’t know all the particulars of everything you’ve been through, but I do recognize those feelings of not wanting to see an RE again because of all the horrible feelings attached to a particular place/person. I still have no idea what we’ll do IF we even seek out another ART procedure–where? with who? which RE? who do we trust anymore? But I am excited for you to have an FET cycle–this is meant to sound only encouraging, but it’s sort of like having a man on base, no? OK, if that came off as insensitive it wasn’t meant that way–only as encouraging. I wish you nothing but the best!PS My word verification was “yestenot”–which makes me think “yesterday NOT”, which in an overly simplistic translation HAS to mean that what happened to you “yesterday” will NOT happen to you again.

  2. Pamela Jeanne permalink
    January 9, 2009 9:14 am

    Feeling for you, Phoebe. I know how dehumanizing the whole process is — even in the best of circumstances with the best people it’s no place I *want* to be…

  3. geeksinrome permalink
    January 9, 2009 10:04 am

    did the man who did your reading have any suggestions as to when would be a good time to do a transfer or what conditions were conducive for her to accept you?

  4. Duck permalink
    January 9, 2009 6:31 pm

    I have been so moved about your posts Pheobe, I know it’s been hard to blog, and that you have been through so much, but, your sharing has helped me so much in finding my way and understanding that you never know what will happen…I’ve ordered that book on line and am looking forward to the discoveries.Well in regards to the FET – have you considered doing an FET at another clinic – transferring the embryos to another place, that you have never been that has no feelings associated with it – it may make you and magic feel better. Also have you considered meditating before/after the transfer to encourage her to come to you…

  5. Geohde permalink
    January 9, 2009 7:05 pm

    IVF is scary. But I hope that you find it not as bad as it might seem from this side to do your fet.I was a mess for all of mine,xxJ

  6. The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) permalink
    January 9, 2009 10:40 pm

    Phoebe, I hope you will be so gentle and so careful with yourself…set up all the support you need, let yourself get to a point of really being ready. You deserve gentle kindness and care and support…best hopes and wishes and prayers to you.

  7. Lost in Space permalink
    January 9, 2009 11:33 pm

    I’m so sorry your old RE let you down so horribly. It is so hard to go through any of this in the first place and to not have that trust can make the process so much harder.Sending peace to you and hope that she is ready.We’re here with you every step of the way.

  8. Denver Laura permalink
    January 10, 2009 1:23 pm

    I hope your relationship with your new RE is much better. I’m sending positive vibes your way!!

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