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Something in Me Has Died

December 23, 2008

I think this is otherwise know as trauma. I was feeling all great and hopeful after our clairvoyant reading, until I talked with my SIL. I told her how we were going to try again, and she says, what if X happens again. I couldn’t believe how insensitive she was. I spent the rest of the weekend crying and depressed. I didn’t even want to go to the Messiah Sing-a-long, which I do every year around this time. I didn’t feel like singing anything, let along Hallefuckinglujah.

In fact, I just feel like a part of me has died. I feel no joy in my heart. I didn’t even do anything for Winter Solstice, one of my favorite holidays because there is no hype about it. I just didn’t feel like celebrating the coming of light. I got in a fight with my stepson about him smoking pot in our backyard, which we have told him numerous times is not cool. I’m grumpy all around. I hate all the commercialism of Christmas. I hate all the buying and I hate how my stepsons are materialistic monsters. Magic and I agreed not to buy each other gifts this year. I am so grateful to cut down on the amount shopping this year. I hate what infertility treatments have done to me.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which means the two-day Italian Christmas cooking extravaganza begins. I somehow roped myself into cooking for 10 for Christmas. It’s homemade ravioli this year, and yes, I’m doing it all gluten-free for all my Jewish friends and relatives! Now I just need to get to Whole Paycheck for their 36 hour Christmas Eve shopping spree. I can shop at 3am there if I want. Just what I wanted for Christmas. Bah humbug!!

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Melanie permalink
    December 24, 2008 4:15 am

    There’s something about forced frivolity and celebration that can suck the fa la la la la right out of you. Particularly at a time of the year when people should be more sensitive and more aware, it sounds like you’ve got some deviant personalities around you. Other than a giant flyswatter, I have no good words of advice, other than don’t give them the power to stomp on your mood. Thinking of you during this oh so trying time of the year.

  2. geeksinrome permalink
    December 24, 2008 7:51 am

    you just had a powerful spiritual experience that is so intensely personal and all the world around you is still grinding along in whatever rut it’s in… I think you might find that things around you would be frustrating and awful because it’s just not jiving with the good things that came from your recent experiences. It’s kind of like when I was away for a year+ living in Florence and having all these amazing eyeopening experiences and a lot of my friends from college had done nothing that forced some sort of inner growth. it was like having come out of Plato’s cave and then peeking back in and seeing all those poor bastards still down in there making such a fuss over the marionette shadows being cast upon the wall. the holidays will be over soon! good luck with cooking!! OMG I would have just ordered pizza (gluten free — they have it here!)take care of yourself! the days are getting longer…

  3. Duck permalink
    December 24, 2008 10:04 am

    Pheobe,I just read the post on your other blog, go re-read that post and remember and the hell with your SIL, she’s wrong, it’s time to be hopeful and happy it WILL NOT happen again.I’m making gluten free lasagne for supper.

  4. QVC permalink
    December 24, 2008 11:39 am

    People can be so thoughtless and cruel. I hope that you can shake off what your SIL said and know that you know what is best for you. I am holding you in my thoughts and believe that you have the strength to get through this stage of your life. All of the work you have done and continue to do will prepare you for all that is to come. I can completely relate to not only feeling ambivalent about the holidays but also to resenting all of the forced commercialism. I hope your meal for ten goes smoothly – ravioli sounds delicious!Peace to you and yours.

  5. Pamela Jeanne permalink
    December 24, 2008 12:19 pm

    I’ve had it with the Christmas commercialism, too. This year my DH and I aren’t buying each other gifts either. Sharing goodwill instead, which I also send to you…

  6. Lost in Space permalink
    December 24, 2008 10:14 pm

    I sometimes think the hardest part about this journey is dealing with the outside world. Just when I feel like I am finding some peace with some little part of it, something external seems to snap me back and make me really question my “peace”. Go back inside yourself and remember the peace you felt after your reading. Remember where you are going and who you are looking for. Your SIL can in no way understand this.I swear, every time I come here I wish I were eating at your house. (-; I’m amazed at your abilities!! Wishing you some peace and happiness this holiday season. It is almost over!!

  7. DAVs permalink
    December 25, 2008 2:25 pm

    I’m really sorry about what your SIL said…so completely insensitive and obviously so very hurtful to people. I hope beyond hope she just wasn’t thinking and would never intend to hurt you. But regardless of intentions, it did hurt, and for that I’m really sorry.I hope you ended up having a halfway decent holiday. Big hugs.

  8. The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) permalink
    December 26, 2008 7:18 pm

    So so sorry. 😦 Holidays can bring up SO much crap. I hope Christmas came with some peace and joy this year, and I hope that as you contemplate trying again, you find deep support within and without so that you know that however things go and whatever unknowns you face, you also know you will be okay and that you will be supported. I’m so glad you had such a wonderful spiritual experience–and I know that those sorts of things are so healing and so helpful–but I also know you have the strength and intelligence to put in place the other things you still need so that you are ready to try again.

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